CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE CHOCOLATE ACK
Last night I was not a little hungry. I rushed home from work, visions of snacks dancing across my dashboard as I weaved in between vehicles. I was unsafe at any speed.
I walked in the door to my apartment and smelled something vile. I gave two quick sniffs. Hot trash. It was horrific. Like what I would imagine a mummified fart smells like. Most people would lose their appetite immediately. I am ashamed to say it didn’t even slow me down. I considered dealing with it after I ate, but reminded myself I need to have some dignity. I opened the windows, took out the trash, lit a candle and went straight for the refrigerator.
I started getting together my healthy dinner. And as I was cooking I wondered “what else can I eat in the time it takes to heat up my food?” Answer: quite a fucking lot.
I immediately went into raccoon mode. Strategic, fearless, mostly disgusting, but still kinda cute. (Confession: I have eaten out of the trash before. Only the top layer.)
I tried to snack extra slow as I waited for my meal. This could be mistaken as an act of valor, but really it was just so I could eat more later. I had a plan. I would eat my dinner, then walk to Whole Foods and get a candy bar. I’d tell myself I was only going to eat 2 pieces of it, then I would finish ¾ of the bar and leave the rest on the table. An hour or so later of lying in the same position staring blankly at the TV, I would look over and act like I just noticed the chocolate. Then I would eat the rest of it. It was the perfect crime.
Thankfully my overwhelming laziness prevented me from walking for 4 minutes to get the candy bar I was lusting after. I thought about getting in the car, but I had to open up the garage, then park in the most horrible parking lot in LA. So that wasn’t a thing.
This story has no moral. I don’t figure out that being skinny is more important than eating a candy bar or any bullshit like that. But sometimes being lazy is God’s gift and you might as well embrace it cuz you didn’t eat 500 calories worth of sugar at the end of the night.