We’re not even going to make an excuse about why we haven’t written you all in ages, but there has been a lot happening in the many moons since we’ve been gone.
Like Chelsea moving out of her apartment in New York, moving into the apartment of a one-hit-wonder indie band for a couple months, staying with me in London for a month, then traveling the world before a stint in San Francisco where she’s been working at Facebook and staying in luxury hotels and a really cool AirBnb with a moose head and a roof deck.
And me (Whitney) once again getting rid of almost everything I own, applying for a visa, anxiety spiraling and emailing my company’s lawyers every day because I was worried I’d get rejected for a traffic violation, then packing up everything I own into a few suitcases and moving myself over to London for at least the next couple years.
Oh, and both of us getting beat up and robbed by kids in an Ikea parking lot in Tottenham. We promise to tell the whole story to you guys soon, because it’s a REALLY good one. Until then, please don’t use words like Låksa or Dombås or Swedish Meåtbålls around us. We’re still grieving.
Now that we’ve gotten the life updates out of the way, I’ve got something to talk about:
DAAAAAATING [Oprah voice – obviously]
I’m recently back in the online dating game after a long, self-imposed hiatus of personal exploration and growth (eye roll). But now that I’m in London and the boys are fine and all have accents (and I know approximately three people here), I’ve decided it’s time to give online dating another chance.
After a few months of swiping, I can happily report that I’ve talked to and met some really nice, funny and interesting guys. I’ve been very impressed with the London dating scene so far, and the number of disgusting messages I’ve gotten here is a shocking ZERO. It’s almost like people were taught common human decency here. Or maybe the leader of their country didn’t talk about grabbing women by the pussy and then get elected. It’s wild!
And I (Chelsea) recently passed an important dating milestone. FIFTY FIRST DATES! WOW! I HATE MYSELF! But really, it’s not just a subpar Adam Sandler surprise box office smash (that shit made $120 million dollars), it is now my life. Technically I’m at 57 now but I’ll go into more detail on that soon. Needless to say, I’ve swiped on 6 continents and in at least 15 countries. I have seen things my friends. I have seen things.
But, through our many, many (many, many, many) swipes around the world, we’ve spotted some trends and empirical evidence that we’d like to share with you today. May we present…..
The Male Dating Profile Code
DUN! DUN! DUN!
Let me (Whitney again) start by saying that after being on this planet for 30 years, I still don’t understand men. I’ve ordered Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus off Amazon and intend to do an in-depth, grad school level analysis on it to try and better understand the male mind. Which I will, of course, share with you all whether you like it or not. You’re welcome / I’m sorry.
But though I may not understand how men think, I do understand that they have a special code they speak in on dating apps, so they can sound less like an asshole while still trying to find exactly what they want in a woman. Here’s a sampling of some of the best/worst phrases we run across regularly from the….catches….on The Apps.
I am going to ask you to do some weird sex stuff you’re most likely not comfortable with, and it will happen by the third or fourth message I send you.
There is a very slim chance that I actually own my own company. It’s more likely that I am CEO of Me Industries, specializing in sitting on the couch eating chips, going to open casting calls and writing Instagram posts about “hustling” and how hard it is to “work for yourself”.
“I’m not into pen pals. Let’s meet.”
I’ve been tricked by a catfish before.
“Looking to get off this app”
I’m looking for a girlfriend. Any girl will do. Please go out with me so I can fall in love with you immediately and then incessantly text you until you have to make up an elaborate lie about how you’re still in love with your ex.
“[Phish or Grateful Dead Lyrics]”
I don’t have a steady job because that would prevent me from following the band on tour for 3-9 months out of the year. I also don’t see why you need to shower more than once a week.
“Not looking for anything serious”
I just want to have sex with someone.
“Here for a few months”
I just want to have sex with someone.
“Intentionally left blank.”
I just want to fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck*
*And I’m really lazy.
I am racist, misogynistic and I think I am better than you. I also have a very hard time getting girls and masturbate to niche porn regularly.
“Interested in gym, staying fit”
If you’re not skinny, don’t bother.
“[long string of emojis that vaguely have something to do with weather and or travel]”
I am not particularly interesting or good at conversation.
“Don’t message me if you don’t get sarcasm”
I absolutely, unequivocally don’t get sarcasm even a little bit, but if you point that out I will mansplain it to you, then unmatch with you.
“My wife and I are happily married, and looking for a third”
Unless you’re here for the really weird stuff, don’t match with me.
“[Funny line that makes you laugh out loud the first time, but it’s slightly less funny the next 6 times you see it on other guys’ profiles]”
I’m funny enough to recognize humor, but not funny enough to write a joke myself.
Guys, I can’t even joke about this one.
According to Urban dictionary, this means “good in bed, giving equal time and equal pleasure, and game for anything—within reason.” According to me, I will be ok in bed, terrible at texting, and will probably ghost you soon.
“[Insert something about dog]”
I’m not interesting enough as a person so I had to adopt a dog to attract women.
“[Insert nonsensical paragraph with no punctuation, grammar, or effort]”
I will spend as much time going down on you as I did paying attention in English class.
“[Insert Drake lyric from popular Drake song]”
<Insert Drake lyric from not popular Drake song>
I’m a god damn poet.
“( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)”
I am 14.
“I love craft beer, hiking, and Sundays which are for the boys.”
I’m the pumpkin spice latte of men.
I’m 5’ 7¾ ”
“5’ 8” and those are two measurements.”
I read a listicle on Buzzfeed about the best profiles on Tinder.
“”You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take – Wayne Gretzky” – Michael Scott”
I am going to be alone forever.
There are so, so many more of these, but we’re going to look at this as a living, breathing document that we can constantly add to. So if you guys have more terms, let us know and we will amend the list! This is the people’s document. Our Magna Carta, Holy Grail – if you will.
Love you guys, and excited to be back! (for the millionth time!!)
❤ LBW + CG