Sugar Sugar, How You Get So Fly (Part 2)

It’s Tuesday and I’m 4 days away from a much anticipated two week vacation in Europe. I am definitely not counting the hours (108) or sugar-free meals (14) until I board the plane at JFK en route to Iceland. You may remember that as of last week I had barely made it through day 3 of my 5 day sugar cleanse and was seconds away from strangling the next person to accidentally brush up against me on the subway. Shit was bleak to say the least. Though I definitely faltered a bit this weekend, my experience motivated my roommate to try out 30 days sugar free and I decided to extend my cleanse. While I am definitely not staying completely sugar free in Europe (I mean – it’s Europe and I’m not insane), I am planning to stay sugar free in the US through the end of November. While this may not be the most traditional way to cleanse, I am already noticing a huge difference and also LAY OFF ME I’M STARVING.

Day 3

Dinner I reluctantly give my friend at work my tiny bag of candy. I leave the office to avoid the temptation to dive over his desk and take it back. I get in a fight with my ex-boyfriend and he feels bad and makes sausage, peppers, and onions for me. He is a nice ex-boyfriend. Sometimes. (Hi Dave.)

Day 4

Breakfast Praise these beautiful, delicious, Paltrow muffins. And praise this incredible new coffee shop that just opened in my neighborhood. I know I’m not supposed to celebrate gentrification but I live in an actual food desert and the proximity to the grease bucket that is “New Texas Fried Chicken” and the MSG fest ironically named “Good Chinese Restaurant” have done nothing to help my health . I shimmy through the door and in my hipster coffee shop induced joy accidentally pour in some almond milk without checking the sugar content. I could taste it immediately and let’s be honest – this seems to be a pattern for me.

Lunch It’s Halloween at the office and candy is covering all the tables. Well, it’s covering all of the tables not already covered in fried chicken, french fries, or buckets of sangria. I watch my friends drink delicious, sweet sangria and am definitely not upset. Nope. Not at all. I eat a delicious salad and pretend the apples in my salad are soaked in wine. These are happy tears, I swear.

Dinner I have plans to go to a concert so I meet a friend in Union Square. She hasn’t been to NYC in 8 years so after wandering around we decide she needs to try Shake Shack. I realize that I am inflicting cruel and unusual punishment on myself but go wild and order a cheeseburger with bacon, no bun, no sauce. I also get fries because I’m L.I.V.I.N and learn that french fries with mustard is actually a pretty good alternative to ketchup. I watch my friend bite into a burger that literally has cheese melting from the core and get choked up when I see someone at a neighboring table digging into a concrete.

Post Vodka + Concert I stick to plain vodka and seltzer and dance a lot. My feet are tired and I am starving. We stop in a bodega near my apartment and I somehow find the strength to avoid all sugar snacks and settle for some sugar free popcorn. I miss sugar. Does it miss me? Do you love this shit? Are you high right now? Do you ever get nervous? Does not eating sugar make me sound like Lil’ Wayne?

Day 5

Breakfast I wake up headache free for the first time this week. I am still on edge and I was about to type out a really lame U2 joke but I’m better than that. I eat two hard-boiled eggs by the trashcan because there really is no good way to eat a hard boiled egg at your desk without being that person. Side note – if you eat a hard boiled egg at your desk you probably also microwave salmon at the office and have no qualms about flossing at your desk. What I’m trying to say is that you’re disgusting and should really reevaluate things.

Lunch Keeping in tune with the theme of the week, my work throws a party unofficially named “Let’s Remind Chelsea She’s On a Diet, LOL” and officially named “World Series Party.” We’re talking pizza, hot dogs, bbq ribs, a slow roast pig, the cake from Matilda, an ice cream sundae bar, all of the frosting from the food fight scene in Hook, and three of those naked women covered in sushi that you always see on the Travel Channel. Ok, really just the first three but still it was a lot. I had two pieces of pizza, am pretty sure there was sugar in the sauce, and have officially failed a little every day this week. Le sigh.

Dinner It’s Halloween eve-eve which is not actually significant except I had a lot of friends in town and was ready to RAGE. Unlike Little Baby Whitters, I gave up sugar but definitely not alcohol so I had whiskey with my leftover sausage, peppers, and onions. Then I had whiskey with the salad I ate because I was still hungry. Then I kept drinking whiskey unpaired with fine foods. Then day 5 was over and I met a really cute Australian guy at a bar in Williamsburg and although I had a lot of slips with the sugar free life, I still feel like I did a pretty good job and I’m proud. Until 4 am.

End of Day 5 – Day 7

Well. I tried. I kick off the wee hours of Saturday morning  by eating a bagel with lox and cream cheese on the floor of my apartment with my friends. Then I proceed to eat the following:

• A piece of bubblegum from a one night stand – see below
• A burrito and cappuccino – a surprisingly delicious combination from my favorite (and only) neighborhood coffee shop
• Rotisserie chicken with chimichurri sauce, mashed plantains, and yucca fries
• Two of the most sugary palomas I’ve ever had in my life

This was just Saturday. I round out the night by groaning about how much my stomach hurts from the sugar, dragging my roommate to meet a guy from Tinder at a bar, running as fast as possible from said bar when I realize he’s insane, and dancing the night away with 25 year olds at a dirty, sticky, college-esque party in Bushwick. The night ends with my roommate challenging a stranger to an Irish Step dance-off to rap music. She makes the girl hold her purse and jacket, almost kicks her in the face, and I’ve never felt so proud in my life.

I’m slightly more restrained on Sunday. I wake up early for pilates and manage to get through the entire class without throwing up a paloma or making unseemly body noises – small victories! We watch the marathoners and talk about how happy we are that we never have to run a marathon. We eat Israeli food and there’s a small chance there’s sugar in the pita but we throw caution (and potentially sugar free eating) to the wind. I end the day by making a healthy dinner and preparing meals for Monday. I am Martha Fucking Stewart. No – I am the love child of Martha and Gwyneth and Oprah and oh, this is what most adults do? Oh ok.

So I tried. 7 days with only moderate amounts of sugar and I am already noticing a huge difference. My face stopped peeling, my pants feel looser, I gave a cute Australian guy my number, and I fucking meal prepped. Did I mention the Australian?

This is a new week. I am still going sugar free but taking it a little more seriously this time. I spent about 2 hours in the grocery store picking up food, shaking my head when I read how much sugar was in them, and putting them down again. I have never spend this much time thinking about what I eat and my love/hate relationship with this newfound dedication is kind of scaring me. It’s like I’ve replaced my obsession of online dating with sugar free eating and I can’t even finish typing this sentence because this is definitely not true. I deleted Tinder for the 17th time last week. Yep. 17. I should download it again…

Here’s to another, hopefully less painful, 7 days. Thanks for reading sugars.

– CG