Kayla Istines is currently our fitness spirit animal. For those of you who don’t know Kayla, she’s an Australian fitness guru whose workouts have transformed the bodies of women around the globe – most notably my friend who just got married and my Art Director partner at work. After seeing the #transformationtuesdays I was skeptical. But after watching two of my friends get way skinnier and hella fit (to be fair they were already skinny), we decided to give it a try. Kayla has a rockin’, perpetually tan bod, a super hot fitness boyfriend, and a before and after Instagram account that is both motivating and filled with dogs which is pretty much all we ask for in life. See: @kayla_istines.
The workouts really work – but it’s because they’re EXTREMELY difficult. Like, “mid-workout dry heave, can barely walk the next day, oh dear god will I ever feel normal again” difficult. The whole experience only lasts for 28 minutes, but that 28 minutes is the worst (I repeat, WORST) part of our Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.
So this first list is dedicated to Kayla. Sorry we hate you so much sometimes.
THINGS I THINK WHILE DOING KAYLA WORKOUTS
- Ok, I can do this. It’s 28 minutes. That’s like one TV show or like half the time it takes to cook a frozen pizza. Mmmm pizza. NO! Ok, let’s do this.
- I should stretch. Something something lactic acid and warming up. Remember when Sara used to run two miles to warm up? LOL that’s like double my workout.
- I’m using this step stool to work out. I built this step stool. What have I ever built that hasn’t spectacularly fallen apart? Why am I trusting this step stool with my slightly overweight body?
- I am so glad I shaved up to my calves today. Oh, uh I missed that spot. And that one. Oh and that leg. Ok, so I’m glad I shaved my right calf today.
- What if I pass out? My roommate won’t be home for 8 more hours. I’ll probably get in trouble for missing work. But they’re gonna feel REAL bad when they find out that I’ve been laying on the floor all day almost dead.
- Um, I’ll do these burpees later.
- Oh my god it has to have been 7 minutes by now. Holy shit it’s only been 2 1/2. I need a break. Like a break involving frozen drinks and throwing my phone into the ocean. Why am I not rich? If I’m not rich by 35 I’m ending it.
- I can totally do 10 squats. Oh, I have to jump. Oh, it’s 15 squats. OH dear god why does this hurt so much? Damn you pizzas! DAMN YOU STRAIGHT TO HELL!
- Look at your legs. Look at them. When did this happen? Remember college when you worked out 2 hours a day and thought you were fat? Let’s get back to that. Not the thinking you’re fat part. The other part.
- OK, I need something to distract me from the fact that my knees are two seconds away from permanently detaching themselves from my body and moving to Florida to retire. I wonder if Drake’s knees hurt after filming Hotline Bling. I wonder if I’ll ever be hot enough to appear in a Drake music video. You used to call me on my cellll phoooone.
- When’s breakfast? Why don’t I like eggs more? I really like them in theory but when it comes to making them it just bums me out. I should buy eggs and force myself to cook them. Maybe.
- I think I’m addicted to food. I should try hypnotherapy to get myself off loving food so much. It’s like, an actual addiction. This is just like heroin but I’m gonna get obese instead of skinny and dead. This is the worst.
- Time for a floor stretch. A closed-eye floor stretch. Ok. It’s time for a nap.
- OH MY DEAR GOD IS THIS OVER
- You’re doing this to get rid of your fupa. You’re doing this to kill that back fat. You’re doing this so you can walk up a hill at a slight incline and continue talking. You’re doing this so you can dip it low and and pick it up slow. You’re doing this so Flappy Birds is just a dumb game and not how you describe your arms. You’re doing this to murder that muffin top. Mmm, muffin tops.
- Fuck this. I should just do another expensive fad celebrity workout. It really motivates me. I wonder what Jessica Alba’s been up to.
- Oh Jesus. Is that what I look like? This mirror must be lying. No wait. This is a skinny mirror. Fucking fuck.
- I live in a trash heap. I should get a nicer apartment. I can afford it if I stop eating Whole Foods all the time. Lol I’m not gonna do that.
- Does ANYONE have a workout playlist I can just steal? I really need to stop listening to this under-18 boy pop star from 2008. It’s making me feel creepy. Well I guess he’s legal now. Whatever. #prouddaddy
- MADE THAT 14 MINUTES MY BIIIIIIIIITCH! Now I just need to do it all over again.*
- Literally, what muscle is this? No seriously. I’ve never felt it before and now I’m like 80% sure it’s plotting my death. Is this hell? Am I in hell? Wait, am I dead? Make eye contact with someone to make sure they can see you and you’re not a ghost. Ok, we’re good.
- I can’t even DO this workout.
- Maybe if I get a dog it would force me to work out because I’d have to take him outside. But then I’d just be responsible for another life…
- God if anyone saw me working out in my underwear and a sports bra I would die.
- What if someone is robbing the living room while I’m in here and I can’t hear them because I”m listening to music? Should I lock my door just in case? No one can see me like this.
- Wow I cuss a lot when I work out.
- Kayla YOU PIECE OF <expletive deleted> I will find your beautiful, tanned body and <expletive deleted> until you <expletive deleted> and <expletive deleted, deleted, deleted> and you <expletive deleted> YA HEAR ME?!
- I’m sorry Kayla.
- I can stop 3 minutes early right? I’ve done enough.
- I DID IT! I’M THE STRONGEST WOMAN ALIVE! THIS IS LIKE WHEN BILLY MADISON SPELLS ‘COUCH’ EXCEPT INSTEAD OF BRAINS IT’S BRAWN AND INSTEAD OF BEING ADAM SANDLER I LIVE IN A 2-BED APARTMENT WITH A ROOMMATE BUT I STILL FEEL GOOD!
- I have to do this all again in two days.
– Whit + Chels
*If we ever workout together and you see my eyes glaze over and start to tear up – this is what I’m thinking.