Sweet, sweet friends. It’s that time again where we officially come back from hiatus. I know we’ve said it before (and let’s be honest – we may say it again) but we. Are. Back.
A couple weeks ago we had an official Struggle Summit™. By the end of the weekend wed climbed Salvation Mountain, explored The Salton Sea, ate our body weight in Shabu Shabu and planned the future of the blog. We hope you’re ready for brand new content, lots of sweat and tears, insane amounts of cheat days, and a shitload of pictures from Tulum because we are back and better than ever.
To kick off our return to your screens we put together a little list of FOOLPROOF diets (nope) that will have you fitting in your jeans by Friday faster than you threw out your DVD copy of Kim Kardashian’s 2013 “Fit In Your Jeans by Friday.”
We missed you babes ❤️
The No Carbs (Before 11am) Diet
This diet is going to change the way you look at diets. Forever! When you start, tell yourself that you won’t eat carbs all day. But then, at 11am, you’ll decide that you need a sandwich or pasta for lunch. Then you’re going to promise yourself that you’ll have a salad for dinner. But inevitably you will end up eating Thai food while watching trashy TV. You’re on the road to health!
The No Breakfast Diet
This diet is so simple! All you do is wake up too late to make yourself breakfast before work. As you’re rushing to get ready you’re allowed to dream of every breakfast sandwich you’ve ever eaten. Then, as lunch approaches, tell yourself that since you didn’t eat breakfast, you’re allowed to eat a bigger lunch. Then, after lunch when you get hungry again grab a bag of chips. You deserve it! Once dinner rolls around, have whatever you want. Because you didn’t eat breakfast!
The No Pineapple Diet
Lose weight with this one simple trick! Doctors hate it! There’s only one rule for this diet: just stop eating pineapple. If you don’t eat pineapple already, congratulations! You’re on the road to a happier and healthier life.
The Social Butterfly Diet
This diet isn’t for the faint of heart. You’re going to need a lot of discipline to pull this one off! You’re going to follow a strict low-calorie diet for the first ¾ of your day. Then around 4pm you’re going to get a text from your friend asking you to go out for drinks after work. This is where you have a mental argument with yourself about how your diet is going to have to fit into your life, or it will never work out for you. Once you make concrete plans with your friend, now it’s time to start feeling guilty! Up until you meet your friend, think of all the times you’ve failed at dieting. Then when you meet up, have 1 ½ drinks and then look at each other like two people planning the perfect crime, then order cheese fries, mozzarella sticks, chicken wings and a cobb salad (for health) before happy hour ends.
The Anxiety Workout
Fit your workout into your day using all the crazy physical ticks you’ve developed due to your anxious nature! Do 45 minutes of leg jiggling, but don’t forget to switch sides. Then tap your fingers on the desk for 20 minutes each, much to the chagrin of your co workers who are just trying to get their work done. Then, pace back and forth outside while you’re on the phone waiting to talk to a client. To finish, pop your knuckles on each finger repeatedly until you feel like you’re nice and loose.
The I’m Going Through a Break Up Diet
One of the more detailed diets on our list, this one will have you feeling so refreshed that no one will notice the dark circles under your eyes, unwashed hair, or overall aroma.
Step 1: decide you’re going to take all of your newfound freedom to finally get rid of that tire around your waist. The one he used to say he loved and didn’t care about and… No I’m fine.
Step 2: decide on the elimination diet that works best for you. He loved carbs and dairy and sugar and vegetables and fruit and yep, that seems like a good place to start. Cut ‘em all out.
Step 3: you probably can’t sleep which means you have so much extra time for activity. This diet requires a solid 3-4 hours a day of interval workouts. I’m talking 1 hour of Facebook stalking, 1 hour of going through his connections on Instagram and trying to figure out what he’s liking, another hour back on Facebook followed by a full hour to check LinkedIn, snapchat, vine, periscope, and Google.
Step 4: make a mockery of your gender by finding yourself buried under white linens with the curtains drawn while wearing the oversized hoodie you stole from him. Required equipment: ice cream, an oversized spoon, a toilet paper roll since you ran out of tissue weeks ago, and a constant ticker in your head reminding you you’ll be #foreveralone.
Step 5: eventually start to feel better and slowly introduce fruits, vegetables, and proteins into your die. Occasionally drink too much but you’ll be fine. I promise.
The Water Trick
You’ll love this classic Weight Watchers trick as much as Oprah loves bread. The second you start feeling comfortably full, cover the remaining food on your plate with water. No one would eat that! Then when you inevitably start eating your now damp food, stop yourself again by pouring way too much salt on everything. Even a crazy person wouldn’t… Oh, I see you’re still eating. Ok maybe try to throw it in the trash? No, I know dumpster diving was a funny skit on Portlandia but seriously stop. Jesus it’s covered in garbage. Ok I can’t help you.
The “I’m on E!” Diet
Get your brain out of the gutter because this has nothing to do with ecstasy, sweet friends. Sit down on your couch, cuddle up with your depression, and start binging on episodes of Rob & Chyna. 30 seconds into a comic sans title screen and you’ve already forgotten about the Dominoes leftovers in the fridge. Two minutes in you’ll be deeply immersed in a shitty A Scanner Darkly knockoff filter that will have you swearing off food for a week. By the time you notice the show is produced by “Kim Kardashian West” you’ll vow to lead a life of health and service. Pro tips: take a shot of water (maybe Holy water?) every time a main character uses the wrong verb tense or makes up a word.
The Purge: Elimination
Do you like to party? This could be the best option for you. Decide on a genre of food you’d be best off eliminating. How about Mexican? Olé! Start off a night of moderate to heavy drinking with a delicious burrito. Fill the next few hours with mostly alcohol. Here at The Struggle we don’t condone irresponsible alcohol abuse but who hasn’t accidentally taken shots of three different types of alcohol in a span of 15 minutes? Whatever nerd. Finish the night with a plate of incredibly spicy nachos drowned in even picante-er jalapenos that sober you would never consume. In the morning your body will naturally choose to eliminate the contents of the previous night. You’ll never look at Pico de Gallo the same way after you see it a second time. Adiós baby.
The Mad Cow
Every time you get a craving for a juicy steak or a cheese engulfed hamburger, picture the cow that provided your delicious dinner. Now picture that same cow carrying a Vera Bradley purse, rocking a Kate Gosselin circa 2005 bouffant, and indignantly asking to “speak to the manager.” I surely don’t want to eat that cow. Do you? Didn’t think so.
The I’d Like to Have Sex With That Person Diet
Want to have sex with someone who is way out of your league? Get hotter than them by working out, eating healthy, consuming the doctor recommended amount of water for your weight and body type, and by logging an appropriate amount of sleep so you feel well rested and emotionally stable. Or just get a few drinks with them and see how it goes. Either works.
Now go enjoy your new body!