Yipee Ki Yay, Struggle Readers

Today’s post is about the thing that we all love to break: resolutions. And we at The Struggle have resolved to stop using that word forever because we hate it. Instead, we’re naming our goals that we developed suspiciously close to the end of 2015 after something we hold dear to our hearts: Cold Stone Creamery scoop sizes.

If you’re anything like us, you may have already experienced the post-January resolution slump that goes a little something like this:

Jan 1: I’ll never smoke crystal meth again!

Jan 3: It’s technically still a weekend so like, how much could a little crystal meth hurt?

Jan 4: (1:47 am) Mama needs her fix, find a vein, etc, etc.*

*Please note that the founders of the struggle have never tried or entertained the idea of experimenting with crystal meth. This is probably obvious because even after years of watching Dog the Bounty Hunter (RIP) (note: he’s not dead he’s just a racist) we still don’t know how crystal meth works. We’re just trying to scare you STRAIGHT, son.

To help you keep on track with your resolutions, we’ve made a list of our Like It, Love It and Gotta Have It goals for life to give you an extra push when you’ve already stopped bringing your lunch to work and slept through your workout 3 times this week. (Don’t lie to us. We know you. We are you.)

 

LIKE IT: 1 scoop of cheesecake ice cream aka short term, smaller goals that we can start right away.

Goal: Eat healthy every day and limit alcohol consumption.

Edit: Eat healthy most of the time and don’t shame spiral and give up when you have a burger with your friends or go to happy hour. Maybe don’t eat 2 burgers even if you’re hungry and you think you deserve them. Sometimes eat a salad. Some salads – not any I know personally but I’ve heard of them – are even more delicious than burgers. If the sum of your eating and drinking at the end of the week, month or year is healthier than 2015, then you’ve actually changed your life for the better. Lifehack.

 

Goal: Write at least 5 blog posts a week

Edit: Try your best to do that, because it’s fun and it’s going to help you make The Struggle a famous blog, but sometimes work (and laying in bed deciding on a new Hinge profile pic or watching Gigi Hadid’s snap stories) will get in the way. Don’t get discouraged and stop posting. Consistency is key. Someone who has a much better body and life than you said that once. Heed them.

 

Goal: Work out every day. Two a days sometimes.

Edit: You’re not a Dillon Panther and despite years of trying (believe me) you will not get sweaty twice a day with Riggins. If you’re working out zero days a week, try to change that number to two days a week. Even 30 minutes of walking is better than 2 hours of Tindering and you’ve always found the time to do that.

 

Goal: Stop putting things in your mouth that you don’t want to put in your mouth.

Edit: This one is open to interpretation and because my parents read this blog regularly, I’m going to let you decide what this means. But seriously – just be smart. A moment on the lips leads to forever on the hips or also as a memory that will haunt you at 2 am. Think about it.

 

LOVE IT: 2 scoops of cake batter ice cream with Heath bar chunks mixed in for a little crunch, aka yearly goals that take a lot of dedication to make them happen

Goal: Reach your goal weight

Edit: Yes. Do it. If you can do it healthily while still enjoying life and not becoming a social recluse that hisses when the door opens and light hits you. Make the right choices most of the time, because if you try to go to pilates and eat Jamie Lee Curtis yogurt every day you’ll be miserable, and probably fail pretty easily, most likely around 3:47pm on Jan 21st. Not that it’s ever happened to you before.

 

Goal: Meet the man of your dreams / fall in love / become one of those gross people that has a joint Facebook account and refers to everything as something “we’ve” done or “we’d” like to do.

Edit: You already deleted all your dating apps and you’ve vowed to stop trying so hard. Despite what everyone (read: no one) says about the high chance of finding “the one” with a right swipe, it’s just not happening right now. Focus on you and maybe try meeting someone the old fashioned way. I’m talking online chat rooms babyyyyy. Just kidding. How about a bar? A park? A bar that looks like a park? That bar in Night at the Roxbury where the outside looks like the inside and vice versa? That really should have become a thing.

 

Goal: See at least 3 new countries this year

Edit: That would be awesome and I hope this happens. But travel is way more awesome when you feel like you can afford the trip. And when you don’t unwittingly say yes to carrying a decorative horn that’s actually cocaine back into the US for some extra cash and end up on Locked Up Abroad. So by all means, travel your butt off, but don’t forget all your other goals like saving money, paying off debt and spending ample time with your family and friends who live here in the US. Also, try to get work to send you for free.

 

GOTTA HAVE IT: Not really sure how many scoops this is but enough cake batter to swim in and maybe a waffle bowl to go with it, aka lifetime goals that aren’t really resolutions at all but instead the dreaded “lifestyle changes” everyone’s always talking about

Goal: Find a guy who makes you really, truly happy

Edit: No edit here. Don’t settle. Don’t settle. Don’t settle. You have tons of family and friends who can give you lots of love and you’ve dated and hooked up with enough bad guys to know what you don’t want. Find someone who you can grow with and enjoy through every stage of life. Until then, have fun and meet lots of men who might not be right for you.

 

Goal: Stop using food as a reward, consolation prize, or excuse.

Edit: This is a hard habit to break. In just the past two weeks I’ve used the following excuses to eat unhealthy food:

1. I am hungover.
   1. Basically I did something bad to my body so I will reward myself by shoving some combination of butter, eggs, and cheese down my throat.
2. I had a bad date.
   1. Choosing to combine DayQuil and whiskey was your first mistake. Choosing to spend too much time with someone you weren’t that comfortable with was your second.
3. I am stressed at work.
   1. You know what might make you feel better? Eating an apple and taking a walk outside. You know what probably won’t make you feel better? Cheese.
4. I cleaned my room.
   1. You’re 28. C’mon.
5. It’s my last bad meal.
   1. I’ve had more “bad last meals” then I’ve had “healthy first meals.” There comes a time in one’s life when you come to realize that if you want to get healthy – it starts now. Not after this bowl of mac and cheese. Not after this pint of ice cream.

This one is a full lifestyle change that requires a new way of thinking. Maybe try celebrating a good date by taking a new yoga class. If the date was really good those classes may come in handy soon. Wink wink. I’m talking sex.

 

Goal: Become famous writers

Edit: It might take longer than a year to make this dream a reality, but work every angle to make it happen and keep pushing, because you don’t become anything overnight. The Struggle already got NINE views today so like, we are on our way.

 

Goal: Be happy all the time.

Edit: This is not a thing. Sometimes you are hungover and feel embarrassed about bad decisions and your job sucks and you’re single as fuck. It’s life. And sometimes you go to visit your estranged wife at work on the same day German terrorists decide to take everyone hostage and you have to save the day completely barefoot. It’s the plot of Die Hard. And sometimes you feel good and make good decisions and life is great. Focus on that. No one is happy all the time and if they say they are, they’re delusional.

 

So sweet friends, here’s a toast to a new year. There will be ups and downs and at some point you will probably find yourself pantless on the floor, listening to Adele, shamelessly shoving spoonfuls of pasta in your mouth, and doing that gross dry-heave-cry-thing that you only do once a year or while watching the season finale of Downton season 3. Be realistic, don’t do nothing, and just try to have fun and make smart decisions the rest of the time. And if you ever find yourself trying to shut down a terrorist attack in the Nakatomi Plaza, maybe grab a pair of shoes.

❤ LBW + CG